ImperialViolet

Mr. Blair: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(The owner does not respond.)

Mr. Blair: 'Ello, Miss?

Owner: What do you mean "miss"?

Mr. Blair: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

Owner: We're closin' for lunch.

Mr. Blair: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this constitution what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the EU Constitution...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?

Mr. Blair: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

Owner: No, no, 'e's uh,...it's paused.

Mr. Blair: Look, matey, I know a dead constitution when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

Owner: No no it's not dead, it's, it's paused'! Remarkable constitution, the EU constitution, idn'it, ay? Beautiful language!

Mr. Blair: The language don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

Owner: Nononono, no, no! 'E's paused!

Mr. Blair: All right then, if he's paused', I'll start it up!. 'Ello, Mister Constitution! I've got a lovely fresh new member for you if you show...

(owner hits the cage)

Owner: There, it passed!

Mr. Blair: No, it didn't, that was you fixing the vote!

Owner: I never!!

Mr. Blair: Yes, you did!

Owner: I never, never did anything...

Mr. Blair: (yelling) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Takes constitution and thumps it on the counter. Withdrawls plans for a UK referendum)

Mr. Blair: Now that's what I call a dead constitution.

Owner: No, no.....No, it's stalled!

Mr. Blair: STALLED?!?

Owner: Yeah! You stalled it, just as it was gettin' going! EU Constitutions stall easily, major.

Mr. Blair: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That constitution is definitely deceased, and when I supported it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to voter apathy

Owner: Well, it's...it's, ah...probably a protest vote against unpopular governments

Mr. Blair: PROTEST' against unpopular GOVERNMENTS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did it fall flat on its back the moment it got put to the vote?

Owner: The EU Constitutions prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable constitution, id'nit, squire? Lovely language!

Mr. Blair: Look, I took the liberty of examining that constitution when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it even been proposed in the first place was that NO ONE had ever managed to read it all.

(pause)

Owner: Well, o'course no one's read it! If people read it they would be marching down the streets DEMANDING its introduction

Mr. Blair: "DEMANDING"?!? Mate, this constitution wouldn't be introduced if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!

Owner: No no! 'E's stalled!

Mr. Blair: 'E's not stalled! 'E's passed on! This constitution is no more! It has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet its maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't started on about the rebate 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! Its metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-CONSTITUTION!!

Owner: What about that rebate then?

Mr Blair: fuck off.